How Can I Help You?

If I've said it once, I've said it fifty times....you can't tell anybody anything. Don't we always want to solve everyone elses problems? We see people we love making mistakes that are certain to cause them pain, and we want to warn them.
      "Listen, I know. I've been there. I was in the same situation and here's how I wish I would have handled it. It would have been so much easier. You're welcome."
Rarely, though, do we hear a "thank you." Our loved one is hardly listening because he/she is too busy thinking about how you don't and could not possibly understand. Not really, because his/her situation is very unique and especially troublesome. Nothing you are suggesting will work because there are far too many obstacles to overcome. This particular problem is going to take a great deal of time and energy, and even then, it may never go away.
If only they would listen. It is bewildering to hear about all the people who get angry when the people they love make mistakes. We are offended when our sage advice is waved off, and we are frightened by the consequences. That's why even the most loving relationships are so very complicated. When we are caught up in our pain, all we really want or need from eachother is to be listened to and understood. Realize this, the only problems we will ever solve is our own. Giving each other room to make mistakes is the ultimate act of love and acceptance. If I can't solve your problem, I will be there straight away with a great deal of chocolate, and an armload of tissue, and I will cry with you. You're welcome.

Under-Pressured

I love to drive. On a beautiful sunny day, there is nothing better than cruising down the highway with the music blaring, soaking in all of Creation. I always imagine all the places I could go on a whim if I just kept on driving. It's gloriously liberating! ...However, I have a huge problem with being the passenger. There is no end to the looming dangers of riding in the car anywhere but the driver's seat. My anxiety level sky rockets, and every year I get older, it gets worse. I worry that the driver isn't paying attention, I worry that an oncoming or merging car is going to pull out in front of us, I worry that the car in the next lane is going to drift into us, I worry about hitting pedestrians, motorcycles, and animals. I worry, worry, worry. I realize this fear is mostly irrational, and I try hard to keep myself in check, but I frequently cannot stop myself from gripping the door handle or suddenly sucking in my breath. I'm sure it's very disconcerting (and annoying) to the driver, I just can't help it. And I don't consider myself a control freak, at least, over and above what is normal. I mean, most of us prefer to be in control. I just think I have fallen into a too-comfortable life. For a mom of teenagers, I have very little stress, which is not entirely good. Stress is really the pressure to perform to a certain standard. We all need a balance between pushing ourselves to be the absolute best we can be and enjoying the fruits of our labors. I have resisted taking on activities that might create strain or discomfort, so now, I challenge myself. I'm heading into uncharted territory knowing I am strong enough to withstand a storm. Gonna let God take the driver's seat, and just imagine all the places I will go.

Switch It, Change It (Rearrange It)

In 1999, we demolished our home to build a new one. After a painstaking, and surprisingly mathematic process, we chose an open house plan (open floor plans are highly over-rated in my opinion, unless you have parties like 5 days a week) that met all but one of our criteria (a three car garage). Shortly after we moved in to our newly built home, it became apparent that the furniture arrangement was far from ideal. The living room is long and narrow, therefore, the seating  area was long and narrow making conversation awkward. I've spent the last 11-1/2 years racking my brain for ideas to solve this conundrum. There just didn't seem to be any other practical arrangement. Finally, about a month ago, we bought new furniture and I vowed to make my living space more user friendly. I still didn't have a plan, but I had a spare evening and a reluctant husband to help me. Together, we just started moving things around. After three hours of swapping places, removing, replacing, sliding, and angling 2 recliners, a couch, a bench seat, and entertainment center, we did it. My new living room is perfect for chatting, tv viewing, and is even open to the kitchen area. Revolutionary. There's not a bad seat in the house.
It occurs to me that I can approach most of my issues with this tactic. Instead of waiting for a perfect solution to develop in my head, I need to just start trying stuff. There's no need to commit to any arrangement until I'm satisfied that I have just what I want, or at least some improvement. It might even take less than a decade to stumble across the answer to my next problem.

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage

"Love is often the fruit of marriage"- Moliere

So I guess the current divorce rate is just under 40%. That number could be considered high or low, depending on your perspective. It is not so tragic that two people who planned a future together changed their minds. Odds are that two people in love could mature and grow apart instead of together. Everyone trips and falls now and then, but 'as long as you both shall live' is too much to pay for any mistake. Whether you consider marriage a legal union or a holy matrimony, most would agree divorce is not the ideal. Better to avoid the pain of letting go of a dream that's been long gone. Dividing assets and redefining relationships is only a start to the struggles that can take a lifetime to sort through. I confess, it's hard for me to speak to this particular issue; I've been relatively charmed in the romance department. I've never had my heart broken, and I married a good man who still doesn't seem to be sick of me even after 26 years. We have an amazing life together. But plainly and simply, it's been hard. There's just no way to get around that. And here's what I have learned. The only way to have a healthy, happy relationship is to know that you will be truly okay without eachother. It is easy to hate someone whom you have pinned your entire future on. When you make anyone else responsible for your happiness, you lose yourself. You may be fortunate to have a co-pilot on your journey, but if you leave the helm to let him steer, don't be surprised when you end up miles from your destination. Through no fault of his own, he will be the scapegoat of all your anger, resentment and insecurity. Then, add guilt, because you love this man, yet you can't be  nice to him. He will be bewildered and confused. You will hate him even more. That's not good. No, nooo, no, I do not hate my husband. We have managed to respectfully and intentionally navigate those choppy waters, and I am learning to look within to know who I am. I'm excited for the trials and triumphs of the next 26 years with the love of my life. But if it doesn't happen, I will be okay.

If I Were to Speak the Truth

Often, these days, I find myself lamenting the fact that so much of our everyday communication requires speech. Being a self-proclaimed social klutz, I far prefer writing as a means of expression, that way I can organize my thoughts and self-edit. The very nature of a neurotic, over-sensitive, sanctimonious, manic, (not to mention frequently pre-menstrual) woman is to mentally stumble over her thoughts, blurt them out to minimize the awkard silence, immediately replay them in her mind to scan for inadvertent offenses...and then wonder why nobody listens. I really don't mean all this to sound self-depracating, I am fully aware of the cornucopia of gifts that I bear. I am ridiculously blessed with family and friends who value and love me. They are my light and my inspiration everyday. I just need a release from the constant self-imposed pressure to be Perfect. And I need to find a way to be Me without performing. I have come so far in my journey, and the light of the Truth is within my grasp. Spirit has planted this notion of silence, and although it is a mere seed of an idea, I want to learn more about quieting my voice to better hear the voices of others and to follow God's call to Him.
"Your days are short here; this is the last of your springs. And now in the serenity and quiet of this lovely place, touch the depths of truth, feel the hem of Heaven. You will go away with old, good friends. And don't forget when you leave why you came." Adlai E. Stevenson

For a wonderful commentary on this topic, go to:http://www.highexistence.com/my-vow-of-silence-and-why-you-should-try-a-silent-vacation/