"As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit." -Emmanuel Teney
Well, now I have a problem. It's a pretty good problem, but still there needs to be a process of resolution. Quite suddenly, (it feels that way, anyway) I am surrounded by amazing, talented, creative, generous, loving friends who have embraced me, shared their souls, and inspired me to dream BIG. I am on the cusp of changing the world. I am believing in me, and the flood of opportunities is overwhelming. The problem is, where to start? Chronologically, the obvious place to start is at the beginning. But this hour is so fraught with possibility, I find it impossible to focus. And I am easily distracted by old patterns, destructive behaviors and thoughts. I hate to admit that I still have to convince myself that I am worthy. There isn't any time to dwell on that. There needs to be a system to contain and command the tidal wave of ideas. Or does there? Can I just take a few steps everyday until I find myself where I want to be? Or do I revel in being right where I am? Yes. That feels like the answer. I am again reminded to enjoy the journey. I might as well, because the journey does not end until I take my last breath. There's much to do now, I can't waste time mired in the spiral of neurosis.
Thanks for talking me down from that.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
Time to Thrive
"Greatness lies, not in being strong, but in the right using of strength; and strength is not used rightly when it serves only to carry a man above his fellow for his own solitary glory. He is the greatest whose strength carries up the most hearts by the attraction of his own." -Henry Ward Beecher
I have a lot of work to do. The dreaming and planning is so much fun, but nothing will get done without some real blood, sweat, and tears. I remember asking for more stress in my life at the New Year, and I challenge myself now: bring it on! I can handle it. I've spent long enough in my safe bubble. I have faith in myself that no matter how hard it gets, I can take it. This past week has shown me I still am not immune to other people's opinions, I still can be easily blown off course with even slight criticism, and I still spend a disproportionate amount of time berating myself. I do not expect success to come easily. But I will, from this day forward, consider myself in training. By stretching beyond my comfort zone, intensely exercising my mind, and increasing my stamina, I will gain strength to rival Atlas. Mental strength to endure the pitfalls and detours that are sure to come. No one begins as an expert. I've dipped my toe in the water, it feels fine. When I jump in, there is sure to be some discomfort, but with strong strokes and my eye on the shore, I will get comfortable with the distance, and closer to my destination. I am so thankful to have a direction. Hope and excitement fill me with energy, which is good. I know I'm going to need it.
I have a lot of work to do. The dreaming and planning is so much fun, but nothing will get done without some real blood, sweat, and tears. I remember asking for more stress in my life at the New Year, and I challenge myself now: bring it on! I can handle it. I've spent long enough in my safe bubble. I have faith in myself that no matter how hard it gets, I can take it. This past week has shown me I still am not immune to other people's opinions, I still can be easily blown off course with even slight criticism, and I still spend a disproportionate amount of time berating myself. I do not expect success to come easily. But I will, from this day forward, consider myself in training. By stretching beyond my comfort zone, intensely exercising my mind, and increasing my stamina, I will gain strength to rival Atlas. Mental strength to endure the pitfalls and detours that are sure to come. No one begins as an expert. I've dipped my toe in the water, it feels fine. When I jump in, there is sure to be some discomfort, but with strong strokes and my eye on the shore, I will get comfortable with the distance, and closer to my destination. I am so thankful to have a direction. Hope and excitement fill me with energy, which is good. I know I'm going to need it.
Monday, October 14, 2013
May I Forever Be In Your Debt
"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure...than to rank wit those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." -Theodore Roosevelt
My world is changing. The wall is coming down and I can see more, feel more and do more. And I am so thankful for you. You have lifted me up with your support and encouragement. You have helped me to believe in me. I can hardly wait to see all that I can do, even if I fall flat on my face, because I know that with failure, comes a sense of satisfaction, knowing that a sincere attempt was made to do something. (Now is really not the time to talk about failure, -I'm just saying.) There are sure to be stumbling blocks and detours, but I'm feeling electrified! This is very new and strange ground to me, but there are amazing women paving the way, even extending a hand to hold and share the journey with: Tammy, I try to tell you how much you mean to me, but spoken words do not always come easily. Your heart and your passion shine so brightly, they light up a whole new world of possibilities. [insert sound byte: 'This girl is on fire!'.] Nancy and April, your hard fought fortitude and your courage have nourished my sense of hope. And Trina, we've been in this together from the beginning. Always you have shown me the way, hell-bent on doing it right, -seeking the highest and purest kind of life. Jenny, I appreciate you. Never take that as rote. I can only have a small sense of everything you do, but I do know that you operate from pure selflessness. To ALL of my sisters and friends, I love you. I do not take your gifts lightly and I will put all of my energy into trying to give back a small portion of what you give me.
My world is changing. The wall is coming down and I can see more, feel more and do more. And I am so thankful for you. You have lifted me up with your support and encouragement. You have helped me to believe in me. I can hardly wait to see all that I can do, even if I fall flat on my face, because I know that with failure, comes a sense of satisfaction, knowing that a sincere attempt was made to do something. (Now is really not the time to talk about failure, -I'm just saying.) There are sure to be stumbling blocks and detours, but I'm feeling electrified! This is very new and strange ground to me, but there are amazing women paving the way, even extending a hand to hold and share the journey with: Tammy, I try to tell you how much you mean to me, but spoken words do not always come easily. Your heart and your passion shine so brightly, they light up a whole new world of possibilities. [insert sound byte: 'This girl is on fire!'.] Nancy and April, your hard fought fortitude and your courage have nourished my sense of hope. And Trina, we've been in this together from the beginning. Always you have shown me the way, hell-bent on doing it right, -seeking the highest and purest kind of life. Jenny, I appreciate you. Never take that as rote. I can only have a small sense of everything you do, but I do know that you operate from pure selflessness. To ALL of my sisters and friends, I love you. I do not take your gifts lightly and I will put all of my energy into trying to give back a small portion of what you give me.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Are You For Real?
"Perfect people aren't real, and real people aren't perfect. So you can either love people for their flaws, or hate them because they're real."- Author Unknown
I need to figure out a way to get real. I've spent so much of my life acting. Acting like the person I think everyone will like. Acting like I'm not afraid. I am connecting the dots and finally realizing that it's time to get real. I want to look people in the eye. I want to stop apologizing. I want to let go of the image I've been clinging to so hopelessly, and get real. I want to greet a new friend by her name even though we just met and I might get it wrong. I want to laugh obnoxiously because I am filled with delight, even if I might draw attention to myself. I want to speak from my heart and not choose my words with painstaking deliberation so that I don't offend anyone, or worse, embarrass myself. God, I want to be real. I'm sick of the person I have been. I'm angry with myself. But, I don't even know where to start. I've lost myself in the fear. Somewhere between frantically hoping people will pay attention to me and panicking that people will notice me, I lost myself. I put up a wall of self-defense, even though I know that wall is paralyzing me. For all of my trying, -God knows I have tried, I just haven't gotten it. I mean, REAL-ly gotten it. There's no way to REAL-ly be connected because, the truth is, I am intimidated or resentful of people who are real. I might be going crazy, or I might be going sane. Rare moments of clarity have given me glimpses of how to be real. Maybe, if I can tap into them I can learn how to be real again. If I search my memory for when I last was real, can I gradually get reacquainted with the real me? Maybe if I just start talking, or if I just shut up, or find a self-help book, or Google it, I can learn how to be real? If you know how I can learn, I'd REAL-ly love to know.
p.s. THANK You, God. I finished writing this last night and shut my laptop with a combined sense of frustration and determination. While scrolling through the channel guide, I found a real lead. Oprah interviewing and beginning an ecourse on Brene Brown's Vulnerability and Daring Greatly" THANK You God.
I need to figure out a way to get real. I've spent so much of my life acting. Acting like the person I think everyone will like. Acting like I'm not afraid. I am connecting the dots and finally realizing that it's time to get real. I want to look people in the eye. I want to stop apologizing. I want to let go of the image I've been clinging to so hopelessly, and get real. I want to greet a new friend by her name even though we just met and I might get it wrong. I want to laugh obnoxiously because I am filled with delight, even if I might draw attention to myself. I want to speak from my heart and not choose my words with painstaking deliberation so that I don't offend anyone, or worse, embarrass myself. God, I want to be real. I'm sick of the person I have been. I'm angry with myself. But, I don't even know where to start. I've lost myself in the fear. Somewhere between frantically hoping people will pay attention to me and panicking that people will notice me, I lost myself. I put up a wall of self-defense, even though I know that wall is paralyzing me. For all of my trying, -God knows I have tried, I just haven't gotten it. I mean, REAL-ly gotten it. There's no way to REAL-ly be connected because, the truth is, I am intimidated or resentful of people who are real. I might be going crazy, or I might be going sane. Rare moments of clarity have given me glimpses of how to be real. Maybe, if I can tap into them I can learn how to be real again. If I search my memory for when I last was real, can I gradually get reacquainted with the real me? Maybe if I just start talking, or if I just shut up, or find a self-help book, or Google it, I can learn how to be real? If you know how I can learn, I'd REAL-ly love to know.
p.s. THANK You, God. I finished writing this last night and shut my laptop with a combined sense of frustration and determination. While scrolling through the channel guide, I found a real lead. Oprah interviewing and beginning an ecourse on Brene Brown's Vulnerability and Daring Greatly" THANK You God.
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