Rock On

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

Three years ago, I went on Craigslist and bought a guitar. I had a beginner's book to teach myself some notes for the first six months or so, and then I took some actual lessons for about 6 months. (shout-out to my guitar teacher, Tim.) I have become proficient at some very basic chords and thoroughly enjoy playing and singing along. It's always been just for fun, even though I very badly want to be good. Since my late teen years, when I discovered my love for singing, I constantly imagine myself performing in front of an adoring audience, lifting them with the power of my song. I haven't the energy or the drive to be a superstar, but I'd love to be a 'one-hit-wonder'. I would relish fifteen minutes of fame, and then spend weekends playing for enthusiastic and nostalgic fans at high school reunions and county fairs . Popularity without the paparazzi. As I invest more and more of my energy into fanning the flames of my heart, the fantasy becomes more and more feasible. The mere suggestion is the first step toward its realization. The second step is having the guts to do it once, knowing that it will be among my worst attempts. The highest hurdles afford the best perspective to moving forward. Once they are cleared, I will have to accept that opinions and preferences are inherently subjective, and it's perfectly okay if approval is less than unanimous. One day, I hope to be better than adequate. One day, I hope you see me on stage, and it moves you.

How to Destroy Your Enemies

"There is no way to happiness - happiness is the way."  ~Thich Nhat Hanh

If only. Two small words that say such a great deal. Violence, fear, loneliness, corruption, greed, jealousy, hunger, ignorance, really an endless list of this life's imperfections could disappear. So many fires to put out, where to start? If only. If only there were answers. If only I could help. If only people wanted help. I don't believe anyone intends to be malicious. We are righteous and noble by nature, but history reveals time and again that one man's crusade easily becomes a human catastrophe. If only. If only we lived the Truth. The Truth is, we are all connected, and we all have the light of God within. I and my enemy are one and the same. Her hope is my hope. Her dreams are my dreams. To be loved and feel fully valued is the universal motivation to action. We are only misguided or led astray by fear and separateness, -if we are not paralyzed by it. The real work to be done is recognizing and understanding that one woman's success is my own. When I truly rejoice and celebrate her accomplishments, they become mine. Mine to move forward with and build on. Mine to offer for her and for you. If only. If only I could extinguish one fire. I could move happily and peacefully forward, fully equipped to battle the next one. 

Beyond Teen Angst

"You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection."  – Buddha

I am trying not to lament the fact that there seems always, always, so much work to be done. Housekeeping, relationships, schedules, and occupational obligations are constants on the to-do list. In addition, the incessant quest for enlightenment can drain the last of my will. But on a good day, when a ray of light overcomes the shadow, my energy is renewed. I recently let a little more light in: As hard as I have tried to accept, embrace, and truly love myself, I have come to recognize one apparent hurdle. That is -I hate who I was in high school. That miserable, self-loathing, anxious, ungrateful teenager, who was so afraid to try anything, seems so pathetic. What's worse is, she still taunts me. Outside my comfort zone, she cruelly reminds me 'no one will like you', 'if you say or do that, you'll look stupid', 'you don't have anything to offer', 'no one cares'.  She really believes those lies, it's no wonder I can't stand her. I couldn't see how to make amends with her, forgive her, or learn to love her until I talked to my sister and my mom a couple nights ago. They reminded me of two obvious things I couldn't see for myself because I was too busy shoving her away; most teenagers feel insecure, and, I wouldn't be who I am today without her. She wanted love and acceptance, she was smart, hard-working, and dreamed of changing the world. Her heart and mine are the same. So, the seed of love and compassion has been planted. The light is brighter. And there's one less thing to do.

Serenity Now

mistake - an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.

I messed up. It's not exactly the end of the world, but it did hurt at least two of the most important people in my life. It was thoughtless, inconsiderate, and cast a shadow on what was to be a magnanimous invitation. Of course, I have made mistakes before: I took responsibility and did my best to atone. Most errors are fairly easy to understand and can rest peacefully in the past. This one just feels a little different. I need to figure out how I went so far without realizing what I was doing before I can move forward.  

Serenity Prayer

 

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

When I take the time to analyze it, I can only come to one shameful conclusion: my ego won out over my Truth. Selfishness, pride, and pettiness I do acknowledge in my thoughts, but I wonder now, how often do they appear in my actions? I have sensed a windfall approaching. Spiritual, physical, and financial abundance are seeping into my consciousness. Is my separateness from God the dam that holds it all at bay? The task at hand must be to reside in Divine Love, leaving no room for insecurity or fear. My faith remains strong. I have an abundance of patience and just enough time to dwell in the past in order to change the future.