What a Fool Believes

“Any fool can know. The point is to understand.” -Albert Einstein

To my admittedly limited mind, there are two types of people: Those who are on a quest for spiritual growth, and those who don't bother to question their current level of consciousness. Being the former is a continuous journey filled with highs and lows, and I am surrounded by a circle of like-minded Truth seekers. I do have one close friend who fits the second type. She upsets me terribly time and again as I recount to her the 'issue of the day' and my extensive analysis of the difficulties of moving forward. Inevitably, her response is to plainly state some logic-based observation. Frankly, I must continually resist the urge to somewhat impatiently inform her, "you don't understand." But what I am learning is that she is far more enlightened than I. First of all, she is a fantastic listener. The best listener I know, in fact. She listens so well that it takes her only moments to understand the heart of the matter, pinpoint the answer, and get right down to accepting the outcome. Once, she remarked in passing, that she didn't think she needed to improve herself, or that people don't need to improve themselves, or something to that effect. We are who we are. The exact phrase is hazy, but the message is burned indelibly into my soul. How many, many precious hours I have invested in trying to be better. Could it all have been in vain? Is it at all possible that I am already good enough? Maybe, just maybe. I cherish her friendship because I am always learning from her. I have come to delight in her perspective. On the surface, it appears that nothing phases her. She has her share of struggles and sorrows, but instead of wallowing in them, she is able to reside in the present moment. And she is able to laugh. Everyone who knows her well, knows that she is continually surrounded by laughter. So I keep hanging around. I still want to grow, but if I can manage to balance intellectual gain with self-acceptance, I'll be that much closer to the Truth. I am a child of God. And I am a friend of Beth.

Have Yourself A Merry, Little Christmas

"Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories: Those that don't work, those that break down, and those that are lost." -Russell Baker

Today, I am re-hashing a theme from a past post. Last Christmas, I complained that this season's flurry of gift-giving drives us to near insanity and perpetuates a pattern of futility. I have very little idea what my friends and family need or truly want, despite my love for them and my sincere desire to contribute to their happiness. We all put pressure on ourselves to find the perfect gift, and it is hard to reconcile the guilt when we end up settling for some generic equivalent. Suddenly, the symbol of our love and passion for giving is reduced to a candle, a pair of slippers, or a bottle of booze. And when we unwrap our own gifts, we can't help feeling a bit let down. We hope to give and to get the things we prize the most. But, I think we all share an understanding that 'the perfect gift' is an enigma. Most of the things we truly want or need, we get for ourselves. The real gifts are small simple things that present themselves every day. The real gifts are the little things that we share with each other all year long. A phone call, a visit, laughter, tears, a meal, an inside joke, hugs, and kisses. These are the ingredients of our most cherished relationships, the ONLY gifts that matter. That's a flurry of kindness and pattern of love that must be perpetuated. I am grateful and blessed by the gift that is you, and you are welcome anytime. I'll be wearing my slippers, we'll light a candle and share a bottle of booze. I can't think of any thing that would make me happier. Merry Christmas!

A [LIGHT] Blue Christmas

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." -Norman Cousins

Balance. The key to happiness. Every aspect of life requires balance, but for this day, let's just talk about emotional balance. I hear you, -so many of you. "Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy, hope, and love, but I can't shake the overwhelming sadness. I miss my (mom, dad, grandma, lover, friend, child.....)"  I feel fortunate that I have suffered no tragedy to speak of. It is impossible for me to truly understand how it feels, I can only imagine. The irony of life is that it is so precious. Life is God's greatest gift to His children, and yet it is taken seemingly without regard. So, how do we balance love and loss? Where can we find comfort and peace? Maybe in knowing that love born never dies. (Even if we can no longer live with it, it remains a part of us.) Mourning is love unrequited until our souls meet again. And mourning is a one-sided affair. Those who have passed are at peace. All the angels in heaven sing, laugh, and love with a greatness beyond our comprehension. Still, they know your pain. They know that all suffering lies in this realm of earthly existence. And they understand that your pain will lead you to your salvation. On your quest to make peace with death, you will learn everything you need to know about your life. Angels have the means to take our pain away, but their love is great enough to let us live with it until we find ourselves. Until then, cherish your memories, receive the love of your angels, and take what comfort you can in knowing that your light shines through them, and their love shines through you.

One Gives All

"I am only one, but I am one.  I cannot do everything, but I can do something.  And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do." ~Edward Everett Hale

The holidays are officially in full swing. The season of giving is upon us and there's a parade of worthy causes. We love dropping dollars in the kettle, buying gifts for anonymous underprivileged children, and surprising the waitress with a generous tip. Giving feels great. We want to give to everyone, but after a week or two, our only offering to the bell ringers and the volunteers in the intersection is a brief wave or guilty smile. The challenge for the day is finding balance and listening to what is in your heart. We've all felt the impulse to give, and when we follow our inner Christ, Loves flows through and from us. We hold out faith that every small gesture completes the whole. Therein lies the heart of a simple Truth. Not so long ago, I would scorn animal rights activists. I mean, really? How do you justify investing your energy in non-human lives when there are so many people  suffering? Then, I started learning about intuitive empathy, and it helped me understand how we are all attuned to different energies. We are called to different causes. For every one that suffers, there is a voice. My passion for seniors and for teens is just one note in the humanity of all man-kind. Your passion may be for animals, kids with disabilities, homeless veterans, earthquake victims, or deaf mutes in Bora Bora. Your energy and love finds it's match made in heaven. Together, in perfect harmony, our gifts become a symphony of compassion orchestrated by the hand of God. So give where you live, and know that it is more than enough. It's an unending season of joy.

Friends in Low Places

"Trouble creates a capacity to handle it.  I don't embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy.  But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and had better be on speaking terms with it."  ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

I seem to be on a downhill slide. I feel disconnected, discouraged, my energy is almost non-existent. I'm tired of myself. There's no one thing bringing me down...it's more a general sense of icky-ness. Is it seasonal depression, my biorhythms, PMS, or just a lag in my own self-esteem? I can't be certain, but even the people around me seem to be covered in the haze of hopelessness. Once caught in the web of depression, it is difficult to find the will to escape. I take shelter in my comfy couch, blanket, and snacks. But, eventually, my ass gets sore from sitting on it, -and I'm not a quitter. Now is the time to call on determination and perseverance. I've been here before and found a way out. It can be done. Unfortunately, there is no script or procedure, I'm going to have to wing it. I'll be thinking about those of you who are surviving and thriving in spite of real heartbreak. I will find my strength and I'll grow some more. I'm reminded of a story my sister told me, and I have to apologize for not knowing the source. She heard someone compare life to a video game. Each level comes with it's own challenges, and when you master one level, you graduate to the next. When life gets difficult, you can congratulate yourself for completing the last level and then get to the business of mastering the next. I guess that means I'm one step closer to rescuing the princess, (me), and finding the pot of gold.

Let the Chips Fall Where They Will

“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.”  -Mahatma Gandhi

I have no income. But I am working. The dream is ginormous. World-changing. Revolutionary. I can't take credit for the vision, but I am as fully invested in it as any would dare. I learn from my partners. I offer all the support I can. Every day there are tasks; some minuscule, some monumental, many exciting, many frightening. Progress is slow. There have been setbacks both logistical and emotional. I waver, but I stay the course. My passion comes from within, but my energy comes from the creativity and talent of the people around me. It is for them that I push myself outside my comfort zone, overcome my fears, and continue to strive for the prize. That is how I am learning, growing, and succeeding. Failure is not an option. That isn't to say that we will achieve our goal. Come what may, I have faith that what lies ahead is greater than even I can imagine. The unbreakable connection we all share is what sustains my belief in me. "Where there is a will, there is a way."

Sheer Dumb Luck

“Leave behind the passive dreaming of a rose-tinted future. The energy of happiness exists in living today with roots sunk firmly in reality's soil.” - Daisaku Ikeda

I have a theory about karma. I have yet to determine whether it is truth or resignation to mediocrity, but I have seen nothing to disprove it and so, it remains. Do you ever daydream about winning the lottery? I think everyone has a plan for winning millions whether they play regularly or not. But when I truly imagine the windfall, I have to ask myself, "is that really what I want?" Time and again, lottery winners fall into tragedy and hard luck. Karma may deal a winning hand, but there is always a price to pay. The same could be said for fame. Oh how I would love to rub elbows with professional athletes or Hollywood A-listers, but I'm not willing to trade in my private lifestyle. We can't know their state of mind, but we know details of their lives including heart break and loss that would cripple most of us. I can only imagine how easy it would be to lose touch with reality and resort to hard living in an attempt to feel something. No thank you. If I fall into a state of wishing, I remind myself how truly good I have it. I am surrounded by rock stars and gurus that remain undiscovered by the media. I am living large with no one to answer to except myself. I don't need to walk a red carpet to feel loved or important. My power lies in making a difference in my community. I work everyday to uplift and empower my family, friends, and neighbors. That is more prosperity than I could ever hope for. Karma can be satisfied with my petty frustrations and neuroses. Failing that, I will always have my faith.

I Could Use a Good Laugh

"We have taken Life too Seriously, and the time has come now to take Laughter Seriously." -Dr. Madan Kataria


So, remember back in June, how I was lamenting my lame laugh? Well, I worked the Google on the internet machine and found some YouTube videos on laughter yoga. Laughter yoga? Yes, it really is a thing. And this past weekend, my husband and I attended the Canada Laughter Yoga Conference in Toronto. Besides thoroughly enjoying the city and sharing a getaway weekend with the best man in the world, I learned A LOT. This is what I can tell you now about Laughter Yoga:
It was invented in 1995 by Dr. Madan Kataria under the premise "laughter is the best medicine". On the heels of the scientific discovery that our bodies cannot differentiate between spontaneous laughter and self-induced or contrived laughter, Dr. Kataria developed several unique laughing exercises. Some basics include repeating the mantra "ho ho, ha ha ha" , and a radiant laughter that begins with a chuckle that you then let flow naturally as it will. The yoga connection comes in with breath. Through breathing and laughter exercises, people are finding innumerable benefits. There are laughter clubs forming all over the world. People hold meetings in their homes or in parks and simply laugh together. It has significant effects for reducing stress, strengthening the immune system, and improving the ability to focus. The obvious added benefit is developing social connections. Laughter yoga has grown more quickly in Eastern cultures and is being practiced in Indian, Japanese, and South Korean prisons and military bases, as well as in senior centers and schools.
On a personal level, I was a bit discouraged by the amount of effort it took to maintain the laughing exercises. I had hoped that I would find myself enjoying genuine laughter that felt easy and fun. I would like to try again and see if it gets easier. I guess my next step is to find (or found, if need be), a laughter club or workshop near me. I would love it if you would join me.

If You're Unhappy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands

"Happiness is a byproduct of function, purpose, and conflict; those who seek happiness for itself seek victory without war." - William S. Burroughs

Life is so complicated. There are so many people out there and they all have different ideas, opinions, and expectations. And we are supposed to care about ALL of them. Of course, we care about some more than others, and we will offend a stranger for the benefit of a loved one. Think Black Friday sales. But what I'm still trying to figure out is where my own feelings fit in the ranks. I don't want to be selfish or petty. I just want to matter. No one else is going to put me at the top of the list, so it's up to me to fight for what I need. So, to me falls the heavy job: I must continually determine what matters enough to subject not only myself to confrontation, but to also subject my friends and family to my demands. Occasionally, ...OK, -all too often, my mood overrides my intellect, and I can't reason myself out of being upset. Thanks, hormones. Whose problem is that? Mine, I know, but still I hope for support and comfort. I hope someone cares. I say, in a healthy relationship, there can only be one person at a time having a fit. The other should summon all their powers of listening, patience, and understanding. (After all, we can hardly expect an angry person to be calm or rational.) When I get over myself, you can take a turn. Deal? Sounds perfectly rational to me.

Let's Get One Thing Straight

"As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit." -Emmanuel Teney

Well, now I have a problem. It's a pretty good problem, but still there needs to be a process of resolution. Quite suddenly, (it feels that way, anyway) I am surrounded by amazing, talented, creative, generous, loving friends who have embraced me, shared their souls, and inspired me to dream BIG. I am on the cusp of changing the world. I am believing in me, and the flood of opportunities is overwhelming. The problem is, where to start? Chronologically, the obvious place to start is at the beginning. But this hour is so fraught with possibility, I find it impossible to focus. And I am easily distracted by old patterns, destructive behaviors and thoughts. I hate to admit that I still have to convince myself that I am worthy. There isn't any time to dwell on that. There needs to be a system to contain and command the tidal wave of ideas. Or does there? Can I just take a few steps everyday until I find myself where I want to be? Or do I revel in being right where I am? Yes. That feels like the answer. I am again reminded to enjoy the journey. I might as well, because the journey does not end until I take my last breath. There's much to do now, I can't waste time mired in the spiral of neurosis.
Thanks for talking me down from that.

Time to Thrive

"Greatness lies, not in being strong, but in the right using of strength; and strength is not used rightly when it serves only to carry a man above his fellow for his own solitary glory. He is the greatest whose strength carries up the most hearts by the attraction of his own." -Henry Ward Beecher


I have a lot of work to do. The dreaming and planning is so much fun, but nothing will get done without some real blood, sweat, and tears. I remember asking for more stress in my life at the New Year, and I challenge myself now: bring it on! I can handle it. I've spent long enough in my safe bubble. I have faith in myself that no matter how hard it gets, I can take it. This past week has shown me I still am not immune to other people's opinions, I still can be easily blown off course with even slight criticism, and I still spend a disproportionate amount of time berating myself. I do not expect success to come easily. But I will, from this day forward, consider myself in training. By stretching beyond my comfort zone, intensely exercising my mind, and increasing my stamina, I will gain strength to rival Atlas. Mental strength to endure the pitfalls and detours that are sure to come. No one begins as an expert. I've dipped my toe in the water, it feels fine. When I jump in, there is sure to be some discomfort, but with strong strokes and my eye on the shore, I will get comfortable with the distance, and closer to my destination. I am so thankful to have a direction. Hope and excitement fill me with energy, which is good. I know I'm going to need it.

May I Forever Be In Your Debt

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure...than to rank wit those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." -Theodore Roosevelt

My world is changing. The wall is coming down and I can see more, feel more and do more. And I am so thankful for you. You have lifted me up with your support and encouragement. You have helped me to believe in me. I can hardly wait to see all that I can do, even if I fall flat on my face, because I know that with failure, comes a sense of satisfaction, knowing that a sincere attempt was made to do something. (Now is really not the time to talk about failure, -I'm just saying.) There are sure to be stumbling blocks and detours, but I'm feeling electrified! This is very new and strange ground to me, but there are amazing women paving the way, even extending a hand to hold and share the journey with: Tammy, I try to tell you how much you mean to me, but spoken words do not always come easily. Your heart and your passion shine so brightly, they light up a whole new world of possibilities. [insert sound byte: 'This girl is on fire!'.] Nancy and April, your hard fought fortitude and your courage have nourished my sense of hope. And Trina, we've been in this together from the beginning. Always you have shown me the way, hell-bent on doing it right, -seeking the highest and purest kind of life. Jenny, I appreciate you. Never take that as rote. I can only have a small sense of everything you do, but I do know that you operate from pure selflessness. To ALL of my sisters and friends, I love you. I do not take your gifts lightly and I will put all of my energy into trying to give back a small portion of what you give me.

Are You For Real?

"Perfect people aren't real, and real people aren't perfect. So you can either love people for their flaws, or hate them because they're real."- Author Unknown

I need to figure out a way to get real. I've spent so much of my life acting. Acting like the person I think everyone will like. Acting like I'm not afraid. I am connecting the dots and finally realizing that it's time to get real. I want to look people in the eye. I want to stop apologizing. I want to let go of the image I've been clinging to so hopelessly, and get real. I want to greet a new friend by her name even though we just met and I might get it wrong. I want to laugh obnoxiously because I am filled with delight, even if I might draw attention to myself. I want to speak from my heart and not choose my words with painstaking deliberation so that I don't offend anyone, or worse, embarrass myself. God, I want to be real. I'm sick of the person I have been. I'm angry with myself. But, I don't even know where to start. I've lost myself in the fear. Somewhere between frantically hoping people will pay attention to me and panicking that people will notice me, I lost myself. I put up a wall of self-defense, even though I know that wall is paralyzing me. For all of my trying, -God knows I have tried, I just haven't gotten it. I mean, REAL-ly gotten it. There's no way to REAL-ly be connected because, the truth is, I am intimidated or resentful of people who are real. I might be going crazy, or I might be going sane. Rare moments of clarity have given me glimpses of how to be real. Maybe, if I can tap into them I can learn how to be real again. If I search my memory for when I last was real, can I gradually get reacquainted with the real me? Maybe if I just start talking, or if I just shut up, or find a self-help book, or Google it, I can learn how to be real? If you know how I can learn, I'd REAL-ly love to know.

p.s. THANK You, God. I finished writing this last night and shut my laptop with a combined sense of frustration and determination. While scrolling through the channel guide, I found a real lead. Oprah interviewing and beginning an ecourse on Brene Brown's Vulnerability and Daring Greatly" THANK You God.

Without You

No ocean less a gentle wave,
No desert without a speck of sand.
Would no wisp of root take hold,
No mighty oak could stand.

No storm deprived a drop of rain
No flame kindled without a spark.
Should not one moment pass us by,
Memory holds perpetual dark.

No symphony but for a single note.
No heaven wanting one distant star,
All of creation everlasting depends,
On just the You you are.

 "The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we're alone.”   -Mitch Albom

p.s. I am wondering if being a writer is conducive to meditation? I cannot remain passive when insight reveals itself -I have to grab a pen and take note of it. I will keep trying, with a better understanding of the term 'practicing' meditation.

House of Cards

“It is a very inconvenient habit of kittens (Alice had once made the remark) that whatever you say to them, they always purr.” -Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass...

I have a confession to make. Although I have frequently throughout this blog extolled the virtues of practicing meditation, I have not embraced its benefits for myself. I have this grand notion to meditate daily for at least twenty minutes. I imagine myself beginning every day in a peaceful setting, quieting my mind, connecting with my deepest inner being, and being transported to an elevated level of consciousness where I attain profound insight into the order and meaning of the universe. Certainly worth sitting down for a few minutes everyday, but the most I manage is 10-15 minutes about once a week. Alas, instead I make spider solitaire my morning routine. I spend anywhere from twenty minutes to an hour and a half trying to win a game. I admit with some chagrin, I do have a 35% win rate at the highest level of difficulty. It's an addiction to instant gratification that gives me some absurd sense of accomplishment? I can't bear to think of the colossal amount of time and energy I have wasted on this trivial pursuit. But, no more will I cry over spilt milk. With steeled resolve, I will refine my habits, eliminate futile endeavors and pave a way for spiritual enlightenment and mental well-being. Today, I will design a simple, yet beautiful meditation space. 7 a.m. will be an ideal time, and in addition to a regular appointment, let me promise to attempt a one hour session this week. I'll let you know how it goes. Namaste.  

Like I Know What I'm Doing

"Always kiss your children goodnight, even if they're already asleep." -H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

My babies are almost grown. In the eyes of society and most laws, they are responsible for themselves and the choices they make. At times, I have felt that it was all happening too fast, but there were certainly days when I longed for less responsibility and more time for myself. I am looking more and more forward to my empty nest, and I will be one of those parents who pesters my kids for grandchildren. I know I will always worry about my kids, and hope they make good choices so they can live happy lives. There are some things I would definitely do differently, like, establish a routine, and keep the television on PBS. (I would have also forced them to get up on water skis. -16 years living on the lake, and none of them would ever try it....shameful!) Mostly though, I am beyond proud. They are amazing, kind, smart and funny. So here's my advice, humbly offered to new parents:

• Try not to worry so much. All that angst brings out the worst in us, and sends the wrong message, "always be afraid to try", and "mistakes are a bad thing."
• Go ahead and tell them "no". It's perfectly ok if they aren't happy with your decision, even if they are mad at you. They will learn they can overcome lack, and better yet, they'll learn how to make themselves happy.
• Every age and every stage comes with its own unique set of challenges. Parenting is hard. It won't get easier, but -it's all good. This is where faith comes in, God's got this!
• Just love them. As trite as that sounds, it will get you through your darkest moments. Your children will be foolish, oblivious, and cruel. When they figure out that you love them unconditionally, they will start to listen, and your voice will be with them even when you are not.
• Give in once in a while. They will learn it's ok to admit you were wrong and do the same for you.

By no means am I the perfect parent. I do enjoy my kids, and I attribute that to being present and enjoying the moments as they come. And an occasional adult beverage.

Bring It On

"Tomorrow's another day, and I'm thirsty anyway...-so bring on the rain."- Jo Dee Messina

Well, it's been one hell of a week. I try not to dwell on negativity, but karma has seen fit to push me down, kick me in the gut, and turn its back with a chuckle. I haven't the energy to recount the angst filled saga that has hog-tied me these past 168 or so hours, but I will say this: no one died. It's been a minor setback here, a slight stumbling block there, interspersed with trivial obstacles and petty misfortune. I'm not going to lie, my determination and confidence level have wavered. I must keep reminding myself of a lesson from the past two classes I took at church. That is, when we attempt to change, Ego jumps in with a desperate attempt to preserve the 'old way'. We will encounter barriers and Ego will perch itself in our ear, telling us "you see, this will never work. It just isn't meant to be. You can't do this because you're not good enough, and furthermore, you don't deserve it." The trick is shrugging that noise off, ignoring it and pressing onward. Listen closely for the voices that are supporting you, cheering you on, especially the ones that come from within. Really, the only one who has to believe in me is me. I am so thankful for the support of family and friends, but faith in myself is all I require to keep going. God put the desire, the dream, -the passion in my heart. He planned for me to succeed. That gives me all the faith I need.

What Do I Know?

“We're all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all.” -Andrew Clark, The Breakfast Club, (John Hughes)

I don't understand the gay marriage issue. In fact, I don't understand any gay issues. The plain truth is, I am not gay, so how can I understand it? How does any intelligent person, regardless of their level of education, presume to argue something that she does not understand? You also will not hear me debate quantum physics or differential calculus functions. (I don't even know if anyone debates those things, -I'm just saying.)Those who 'oppose' homosexuality will quote scripture and forecast an eternity in hell for the stricken. This makes me ever so grateful for my God. My God loves me unconditionally and would never, ever, ever condemn me for all eternity based on my decisions or behavior in this speck of an earthly existence. What loving mother or father would punish their baby for an entire lifetime because he spit up, or cried out? Our sins, be they voluntary or involuntary, are committed without the advantage of Divine Omniscience. I will say it again and again. We are here, as children of God, to love and to learn. It's somewhat of a relief not to be responsible for passing judgment on anyone's values or beliefs. I leave that to my Creator, as I have plenty of other things to worry about.

So, What Do You Do?

“I tell my students, 'When you get these jobs that you have been so brilliantly trained for, just remember that your real job is that if you are free, you need to free somebody else. If you have some power, then your job is to empower somebody else. This is not just a grab-bag candy game." - Toni Morrison

Classes are about to begin for many students. It feels pretty good to be among them. So many things are falling into place, this feels undeniably right. Why then, is that nagging voice still in my head trying to plant seeds of criticism and doubt? Though I love to know people, becoming acquainted is awkward at best. I hate admitting it is still torturously painful describing 'what I do'..."um, I'm a part-time medical biller, but I want to write, no, I haven't written anything, I don't really know what I want to write but....." Really, how many of us can successfully convey what we do through small talk? We act as if our job defines the purpose of our lives, but it really is just a means to an end. That end, for most of us, is to make a difference. To love and be loved. The things we do everyday to make a difference cannot POSSIBLY be summed up with a description of our vocation. I'm proud to be a mother, a wife, sister, and daughter. I'm proud to be an aunt and a friend. I try to keep up with the people I care about, filling their needs to the very best of my ability. I try to learn something every day. I try to make my environment a better place. I am special in the way that I do these things, but not in the activity itself. We all do them. The energy and love we put into every moment of our day is what defines us individually and makes our planet golden. So can we please come up with more accurate labels for what we do? "I am a humanitarian, student, teacher, musician, mom, gardener, writer, lover, singer, fighter, chef, maid, home maker, accountant, peace keeper, athlete, poet, and child of God. You?"

A Shameless Plug

I am so in love. You know, the kind that makes you want to burst, and you take every chance you get to talk about it, 100% certain that your love is so colossal, it will change the world.  I'm so in love; with my church. I became acquainted with Renaissance Unity about ten years ago when I had the unbelievable opportunity to hear Maya Angelou and Wayne Dyer speak, (sacred experiences, both). Two years ago, we really started getting close. I may have mentioned in previous posts, the minister is phenomenal. Rev. Jim Lee delivers his weekly messages with sublime compassion and delightful humor, an engaging fusion of a Dalai Lama and Chris Rock. He is the lungs of the church, breathing loving energy and Truth into the entire community.  The heart of the church is the incredible music provided by RU's choir, The Gospel Truth accompanied by a diverse and faithful band. (Incidentally, I realize there is a lot that goes on behind the scenes, but I assert that the band may be the single most under-rated component of the church service.) The backbone of the church is the congregation. If ever you are feeling alone or unloved, please walk through the doors of Renaissance Unity on a Sunday morning. You will be greeted with genuine warmth and a smile at every turn. I could go on and on, but I really want to get to what happened yesterday. As happens most weeks, there were several sacred junctures: I was overcome with gratitude when the praise dancers, six beautiful women of various ages and ethnicities, offered themselves through exquisite interpretive movement and unreserved expression. Then, an impromptu version of "Jesus Take My Hand", sung by Juliette, whose voice rivals Aretha's, brought everyone to their feet and reaching for tissue. And then there was the moment that went beyond sacred to transformational. Rev. Lee confessed that he had a realization that he himself had been holding back. That revelation sparked a palpable change in energy and renewed faith. He evoked the memory of his Mother so strongly that she was undeniably present. His invitation to walk boldly forward with the hand of Jesus inspired me to action. He has been a spiritual voice leading me to action on my own behalf, and now, I want to be an advocate for the church. I ask you to consider visiting Renaissance Unity, a non-denominational, Christian-based, spiritual community of faith that is open to all. It is well worth the forty minutes it takes me to drive there, but you can also see the service online on Sunday mornings. Renaissance Unity has much to offer, and will undoubtedly welcome the gifts you will bring to it. See for yourself at www.RenaissanceUnity.org.

Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings

"We fear violence less than our own feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict." -Jim Morrison

I so fiercely desire to be good, -and I want just as much to be liked. I'm beginning to think these are conflicting goals. If they are not in direct contrast to one another, they are definitely blocking what should be my goal, and our common goal as children of God: authentic happiness. The inner peace of mind, body, and soul that comes from living in Truth and connecting with the Christ within. I spend so much time condemning my feelings, those that I am so loathe to speak, only I can deem them nasty or petty. I am just beginning to see the irony there. Instead of fixating on my negative feelings, berating myself for them, and trying to will them away, I can simply acknowledge them and move on. It seems simple enough, yet I know I have quite a bit of work to do. It is such a foreign concept that I can barely wrap my head around it. As it always is when putting faith in something new, my heart knows it is right. So I will pursue the practice of being okay with how I feel, because I am good. And my feelings are just that. Just feelings, and they can't change reality. That's one more lesson in learning to love myself. As a final note, thanks to my sister for nudging me along and loving me enough to get me through times when it's hard to love myself. 

For Sale: Oceanfront Property in Arizona

“I design, manufacture, distribute, and sell elevator buttons. I specialize in the fourth floor. And I don’t mean to brag, but I’m such a good salesman that I could sell one of my fourth-floor elevator buttons to the owner of a three-story building. I’m also into jazz. I make elevator music in my free time. My motto in life: You can’t push my buttons if you don’t buy them.”  -Jarod Kintz

When I mentioned last week that I was turned off by the idea of becoming a salesperson, I may have jumped the gun. Yes, salespeople are widely acknowledged as shysters and connivers, using underhanded manipulation to trick us out of our money. Further, I was of the opinion that their most offensive crime is operating from an over-inflated sense of self-value. True, salespeople must be liked and trusted, they must be admired and revered. Their confidence level must be a ten. Upon further review, I see the contradiction. I know better. There can be no "inflated" sense of self-value. We are worth more than we can even imagine. We all, on some level, could do nothing but benefit from possessing the confidence of a great salesperson. Get behind the gifts you have to offer, be passionate about the product that is 'you', your bottom line will be tremendous spiritual, personal, and professional profit.
p.s. I did it. I enrolled in a course to become a certified life coach. I am sooo excited!!! By the New Year, I will have a new professional path that feels bursting with possibilities.

Getting Myself Committed

"The quality of a person's life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence, regardless of their chosen field of endeavor" -Vince Lombardi

I don't know why this is scary as hell. If someone I knew confided their intention to me, I would be supportive and happy for them, but I wouldn't credit them with any special quantity of bravery or courage. So here goes; I am about to declare my plan to move forward in a new direction. One that I can captain myself, and take complete ownership of.  My first idea, two weeks ago, was quickly dismissed when I realized that running a seminar business appears to be a sales gig, and worse, the product that you must continually promote is yourself. By divine fate, I have landed on a profession that feels organic and fraught with possibilities: a life coach. At this stage, there are many specialties and niches to explore and I need to figure out where to get certified. I'm so excited! And unsure. And hopeful. Hopeful that my inner faith can breed visible action. At this stage, fear be damned, I'm committing to myself.  

JUST a Dream? No Such Thing!

"Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't." -Mark Twain

As always, I was a bit late to the party, but I did get on the "New Earth" bandwagon when Oprah rolled out her series of inter-active classes five years ago. When I tried reading this strange little book by Eckhart Tolle, I confess, it was a little over my head. It was relegated to my 'library', (the main floor powder room, where I do most of my reading) where I have gleaned a great deal since, in much more manageable bits and pieces. One morsel, taken from a section called "The Dreamer and the Dream" on page 209 opened the door to a profound realization: "there is the dream, and there is the dreamer....the dreamer is the substratum [basis or foundation] in which the dream appears, that which makes the dream possible". It occurred to me, if my ideas (aka my dreams) are to be real, I must disassociate them with any criticism or fear of failure. When I accept them as true, they become the Truth. Then fear becomes the fantasy. When my ideas are attached to doubt, they remain a dream. Operating from an elevated level of consciousness, we can manifest ANY dream.
The bible says it another way, "with God, all things are possible" -Matthew 19:26

p.s. On an unrelated note, my sister and I performed a song that we wrote together. I highly recommend Unity of Bay City to any 'wannabe' musicians as they are a small, but very loving and supportive congregation. I botched the chorus both vocally and instrumentally, (not sure how one writes a note, hones it and practices it for over a year, and then loses it during the very first performance?) Still, my sister sang beautifully, and everyone was very appreciative. Nowhere to go from there, but up. No one ever said playing the tuba is easy.

Just Around the Riverbend

"I believe the second half of one's life is meant to be better than the first half. The first half is finding out how you do it. And the second half is enjoying it."--Frances Lear

Last summer, my son talked us into getting him a bearded dragon as an early Christmas gift. The idea of it creeped me out, but after some inquiry, I learned that they are  surprisingly social animals and even kind of cute. And it turns out that I have something in common with our newest family member: we are in a continual state of shedding our skin. While  his comes off in flaky patches that make him look, well, -icky, mine generally goes unnoticed. However, lately I have felt the uncomfortable, unattractive reality of a mid-life jettison. My identity as a mother for the last 20 years is peeling away, and I am forced to come to terms with living in a new and unfamiliar skin. While this is a necessary process for growth and renewal, it still is painful. I am surprised and confused by many of my thoughts, feelings, and remarks. I feel a little crazy. And a little excited. New beginnings are scary, but I have never been one to shy away from change. Now that I am older, I realize the rapids are ever-changing. No need to furiously paddle, fighting the currents. Time to hold on, enjoy the ride, and know there is always a new adventure just around the bend. 

Here and Now

"The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Here I am, one week later and that much farther along the path of my destiny. I am hesitant to make any declaration of action, but I have a quite fertile field of ideas, and I can set a course today. I will purchase a how-to book on the Kindle that my mom passed down to me, I've had it for quite some time, and this will be my first time using it. (Mom, you've just earned your acknowledgement when my first book gets published.) How-to books have a way of either fanning the flames of a new found passion, or extinguishing the  glow, thereby diverting our attention to a new fire. There is an overwhelming wealth of information to choose from, and there are many self-proclaimed experts ready to offer their knowledge for a price. The world of writing is utterly subjective. We depend on the author to convey the necessary information, and even with ratings and reviews, there can be no guarantees. Thankfully, living by faith assures me that the right copy will send me in the right direction of prosperity and peace. Rest assured, I will play my tuba.

No Holding Back

 "Thoughtless risks are destructive, of course, but perhaps even more wasteful is thoughtless caution which prompts inaction and promotes failure to seize opportunity." -Gary Ryan Blair

Each day is a conglomeration of moments to be grabbed, held onto, and wrung out so that every bit of life is squeezed from them. Whether you wish for joyful and exhilarating thrills, or a sense of quiet inner peace, the intent is to make the most of whatever little time we have on this earth. It is ironic and depressing that I have managed to compose over a years worth of weekly commentary on spiritual wellness and growth, yet have achieved very little measurable success of my own. So far I have pledged to commit to
establishing a routine, taking a vow of silence, signing up for laughing classes, performing in public, and expressing my true fashion sense, -just to name a few. Sincere as these notions are, I cannot continue preaching until I take steps to bring at least one to fruition. I love to recall a skit on the old tv program The Gong Show. A guy would come out on stage and perform an elaborate song about playing the tuba. The audience would join in, shouting, "whattya gonna do?" to which he would exuberantly respond, "I'm gonna play my tuba!". Finally the host, Chuck Barris, would halt the act and ask, "hey, when are you going to play your tuba?", to which the performer would respond, "naw, are you kidding? I can't play the tuba, and besides, those things are too big to carry around."... I am paraphrasing, but that was the gist of it. I'm 45 years old, not getting any younger, I'm ready to come up with excuses for the things I have done, I'm gonna play my tuba now.  

Ode to the Family Truckster

Approximately five years ago, we paid off our family vehicle. I, being the primary driver, advised my husband, "we should really baby this truck, it would be nice to get another year out of it." Since then, our three children have acquired their driver's licenses and we have put close to an additional hundred thousand miles on it. I have patiently waited for this vehicle to die, but to no avail. Every bell and whistle broke long ago. Even some mainstays (i.e., doors, windows, radio) are no longer functioning but, as long as the engine ran smoothly, it just didn't make sense to take on another car payment. Well, I finally drove my new used car home today. That old truck still runs like a dream, but it was just time for something different. I will enjoy my new wheels, but I developed a grudging respect for the pure endurance of the old family truckster. It's going to be hard for this new car to live up to. So long, old buddy. Here's to you:
ODE TO THE FAMILY TRUCKSTER
Oh, family truckster, sturdy and true, you took us everywhere,
Sticky floors, and broken doors, interior covered in dog hair.
That deer that ran into you put a dent in your side,
But still you were ready when we needed a ride.
Over 260,000 miles, to ask for more would not be fair. 
You hauled materials for our house, towed our camper and boat,
The children, the groceries, with no fuss at all, you would tote.
And even though you are being replaced,
Your favors and feats will never be erased.
For the best car ever, you have my vote!

The Way, the Truth, and the Life

"One's destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things." - Henry Miller

Once again, I am faced with the realization that spiritual enlightenment and grace are far from my grasp. My number one priority in life is to treat people with the utmost honor and compassion, yet, the people closest to me are too often exposed to the ugly fallout of my neuroses and insecurities. When I am lost in self-pity and contempt, the Truth is easily forgotten, and hope is buried beneath a pile of excuses and blame-shifting. I know enough to understand that I am my only problem. I just don't know how to communicate my problems to the people that care, without making them feel responsible. Especially as I, and naturally everyone else, gets older, the dynamics change so drastically. I never want to get so set in my ways, that I put them before the feelings of another human being. I want to be able to express my needs and still be considerate of the wants and needs of others. I want to clearly see that line between being supportive of the people I love without enabling them to live unhealthy, unbalanced lives. I know the only time you can truly help someone is when they are asking, yet we ourselves are reluctant to ask for help. As we grow older, we are supposed to grow wiser and surer, but there comes a huge responsibility with age: the pressure to have the solution. The Truth is, the solution is not the answer. As soon as one problem is "solved", you can be 100% certain that another problem will present itself. The answer is staying centered and being at peace with it all. Our Father God takes delight in every step and misstep that ultimately brings us closer to Him. I will keep seeking, and remember that while seeking is the path, it is simultaneously the destination.

Humor Me

"Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand."- Mark Twain

I am torn between jealousy and fascination with people who have a big hearty laugh. We are so drawn to those from whom emanate loud chortles, chuckles, guffaws, and sincere mirth. It is not from me. My laugh is slow to surface, quiet and timid when it finally does. Occasionally, something will strike me as funny and I get a good giggle going. I'm not sure why, but it usually feels out of place and I end up trying to suppress it. That stinks. It saddens me to realize how few moments come to mind when I try to recall sharing uncontrolled laughter with friends or family. How authentic and glorious and precious those moments are. If you are blessed with the ability to laugh easily and unreservedly, then please take a moment to acknowledge and appreciate it. If, like myself, you yearn to be so well off, then let us take the time to seek that for ourselves. There are actually classes that teach laughter and laughter therapy. I intend to find one, participate, and inform you of the results. As I continue to grow in faith, hope, and love, I expect to laugh more. I truly believe it is the best medicine, and that each of us needs a constant intravenous dose. Can I get a hook up?

Reach Out Your Hand

"nearly 10% of the population [suffers] from a depressive disorder at any given time"-DepressedTest.com
"More than one out of every ten people battling depression commits suicide"-WebMD
"Recent surveys indicate that as many as one in five teens suffers from clinical depression."-Mental Health America, www.nmha.org

The statistics are scary. No doubt about it, depression is rampant in our society. We are bombarded with every type of media nearly every second of our waking hours. As a result, we have unrealistic expectations for what our relationships, our bodies, our homes, and our 'success' is supposed to look like. There's no way we can live up to it, and so we claw and scratch our way through each day, hoping to inch closer to the proverbial 'pie in the sky'. I have been sucked in myself, however, -fortunately my case is mild enough to keep my head just out of the clouds. For now, moments of peace outnumber moments of despair. If you are struggling, (something tells me you do from time to time), I vehemently urge you to try meditation. The benefits and means of meditation are far too extensive to introduce here. Your best bet is to google 'meditation', and let intuition guide you to your first step. Meditation can be a powerful coping tool, but please, please, please, do not take on the burden of curing yourself if you are suffering from depression. Your ship will likely go down if you exhaust yourself bailing out water with a teaspoon. With professional help, depression is manageable, and even curable. And best of all, when you have landed on solid ground, you can throw a lifeline to someone else. Hold on to hope, know the Truth, -God is good, and be kind to yourself as you would to any loved one who was ailing.
"Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it."
Helen Keller 
 

Rock On

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

Three years ago, I went on Craigslist and bought a guitar. I had a beginner's book to teach myself some notes for the first six months or so, and then I took some actual lessons for about 6 months. (shout-out to my guitar teacher, Tim.) I have become proficient at some very basic chords and thoroughly enjoy playing and singing along. It's always been just for fun, even though I very badly want to be good. Since my late teen years, when I discovered my love for singing, I constantly imagine myself performing in front of an adoring audience, lifting them with the power of my song. I haven't the energy or the drive to be a superstar, but I'd love to be a 'one-hit-wonder'. I would relish fifteen minutes of fame, and then spend weekends playing for enthusiastic and nostalgic fans at high school reunions and county fairs . Popularity without the paparazzi. As I invest more and more of my energy into fanning the flames of my heart, the fantasy becomes more and more feasible. The mere suggestion is the first step toward its realization. The second step is having the guts to do it once, knowing that it will be among my worst attempts. The highest hurdles afford the best perspective to moving forward. Once they are cleared, I will have to accept that opinions and preferences are inherently subjective, and it's perfectly okay if approval is less than unanimous. One day, I hope to be better than adequate. One day, I hope you see me on stage, and it moves you.

How to Destroy Your Enemies

"There is no way to happiness - happiness is the way."  ~Thich Nhat Hanh

If only. Two small words that say such a great deal. Violence, fear, loneliness, corruption, greed, jealousy, hunger, ignorance, really an endless list of this life's imperfections could disappear. So many fires to put out, where to start? If only. If only there were answers. If only I could help. If only people wanted help. I don't believe anyone intends to be malicious. We are righteous and noble by nature, but history reveals time and again that one man's crusade easily becomes a human catastrophe. If only. If only we lived the Truth. The Truth is, we are all connected, and we all have the light of God within. I and my enemy are one and the same. Her hope is my hope. Her dreams are my dreams. To be loved and feel fully valued is the universal motivation to action. We are only misguided or led astray by fear and separateness, -if we are not paralyzed by it. The real work to be done is recognizing and understanding that one woman's success is my own. When I truly rejoice and celebrate her accomplishments, they become mine. Mine to move forward with and build on. Mine to offer for her and for you. If only. If only I could extinguish one fire. I could move happily and peacefully forward, fully equipped to battle the next one. 

Beyond Teen Angst

"You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection."  – Buddha

I am trying not to lament the fact that there seems always, always, so much work to be done. Housekeeping, relationships, schedules, and occupational obligations are constants on the to-do list. In addition, the incessant quest for enlightenment can drain the last of my will. But on a good day, when a ray of light overcomes the shadow, my energy is renewed. I recently let a little more light in: As hard as I have tried to accept, embrace, and truly love myself, I have come to recognize one apparent hurdle. That is -I hate who I was in high school. That miserable, self-loathing, anxious, ungrateful teenager, who was so afraid to try anything, seems so pathetic. What's worse is, she still taunts me. Outside my comfort zone, she cruelly reminds me 'no one will like you', 'if you say or do that, you'll look stupid', 'you don't have anything to offer', 'no one cares'.  She really believes those lies, it's no wonder I can't stand her. I couldn't see how to make amends with her, forgive her, or learn to love her until I talked to my sister and my mom a couple nights ago. They reminded me of two obvious things I couldn't see for myself because I was too busy shoving her away; most teenagers feel insecure, and, I wouldn't be who I am today without her. She wanted love and acceptance, she was smart, hard-working, and dreamed of changing the world. Her heart and mine are the same. So, the seed of love and compassion has been planted. The light is brighter. And there's one less thing to do.

Serenity Now

mistake - an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.

I messed up. It's not exactly the end of the world, but it did hurt at least two of the most important people in my life. It was thoughtless, inconsiderate, and cast a shadow on what was to be a magnanimous invitation. Of course, I have made mistakes before: I took responsibility and did my best to atone. Most errors are fairly easy to understand and can rest peacefully in the past. This one just feels a little different. I need to figure out how I went so far without realizing what I was doing before I can move forward.  

Serenity Prayer

 

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

When I take the time to analyze it, I can only come to one shameful conclusion: my ego won out over my Truth. Selfishness, pride, and pettiness I do acknowledge in my thoughts, but I wonder now, how often do they appear in my actions? I have sensed a windfall approaching. Spiritual, physical, and financial abundance are seeping into my consciousness. Is my separateness from God the dam that holds it all at bay? The task at hand must be to reside in Divine Love, leaving no room for insecurity or fear. My faith remains strong. I have an abundance of patience and just enough time to dwell in the past in order to change the future.



Let Them Eat Cake

“People of our time are losing the power of celebration. Instead of celebrating we seek to be amused or entertained. Celebration is an active state, an act of expressing reverence or appreciation. To be entertained is a passive state--it is to receive pleasure afforded by an amusing act or a spectacle.... Celebration is a confrontation, giving attention to the transcendent meaning of one's actions.
Source: The Wisdom of Heschel”
― Abraham Joshua Heschel

Ahhhhh. A warm, bright, spring day. It brings to mind one word -glorious.  Suddenly, we see and feel the wondrous hand of God and His extraordinary works. How simultaneously humbling and thrilling to be a part of His plan. It reminds us of the priceless gift that is ours for all time. God's love. God's love that is for us and in us, and that ought to be shared with our every breath. It defies logic and reason that something can be given so freely with no fear of famine. Supply far exceeds demand. And the more we demand, the greater the supply. We absolutely can eat our cake and have it too. It's the saddest thing I know, to see the bounty of this life and of the everlasting life shelved neatly away, as if it was the fine linen to be displayed only on special occasions. Divine love is not reserved only for immediate family and close friends. It should be shared in the smallest of gestures and the most mundane tasks of the day. When you give it, it will come back to you countless times over. Celebrate that.

The Rhythm Of A New Day

Good. 
"I wake up early and meditate for an hour and then exercise. The main benefit of rising early are that you align your biorhythms with the rhythms of nature. That gives the cycles of your body, mind and spirit the benefit of the unlimited power of the cosmic rhythms in all aspects of your life." Deepak Chopra

Better.
 How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing. A sche...dule defends from chaos and whim. It is a net for catching days. It is a scaffolding on which a worker can stand and labor with both hands at sections of time. A schedule is a mock-up of reason and order--willed, faked, and so brought into being; it is a peace and a haven set into the wreck of time; it is a lifeboat on which you find yourself, decades later, still living."-Annie Dillard

Best.
“My hour for tea is half-past five, and my buttered toast waits for nobody.”- Wilkie Collins

I have resisted a daily schedule for most of my adult life. I mistook predictable and stable routine for chronic and tedious monotony. And so I awake every morning to a world of possibility that unfortunately, nine times out of ten, leaves me without a clue as to what to do with myself. I scan my mental list and eventually discern one or two things that I could not bear to have undone at the end of the day. The remaining hours are filled with self-condemnation and remorse for not having the energy or the will to be more productive. It has entered my mind (and been dismissed so quickly, I couldn't be sure it was ever there) to set a routine for myself. Countless lists have been drafted, then abandoned in varying states of completion. Just as a child blows bubbles into the wind, so do I design grand notions of physical, spiritual, and professional transformation that, inevitably, disappear into thin air. I do remember 2004 was a year of self-content. It was the year I managed to lose 50 lbs. I had a training regimen, I knew what and when I could eat, and I felt totally in control. My intention is to make the remainder of 2013 a new age of self-confidence and bliss. I have a firm idea of what I want to do, and when I want to do it, an outline for a good routine to get right down to. It's that simple. I'm pretty sure, -I'll let you know. 

Fish In The Sea, You Know How I Feel

"Asking is the beginning of receiving. Make sure you don't go to the ocean with a teaspoon. At least take a bucket so the kids won't laugh at you."-Jim Rohn

It's time now to stop and ask for some direction. By all means, if you have answers or suggestions, please let me know, but I will, at least, put this out there and anticipate that the universe will respond. For all these years that I have intended to write, (nigh on 35 years) there was really nothing more than a compilation of vague notions floating about like jellyfish, taking their direction from the winds and the currents. Attempts to hone any one thought or idea felt futile and overwhelming. But, in the past 6 months, three very concrete, exciting, and fertile prospects have presented themselves. I am thrilled with each opportunity, but find myself not so much torn, as divided. Therein lies the question: Am I to choose one task and pursue it with every bit of my focus and energy, or, is it possible to devote time to each, and wait for one to emerge as the obvious design? I am content with this dilemma, and I eagerly await 'a new dawn, a new day, a new life for me, -and I'm feeling good.'* In the meantime, I will write and pray. And, I am certain when my pen hits the paper, it will be guided by the hand of God.
*Taken from the song, "Feeling Good"

Living is Believing

"It's difficult to believe in yourself because the idea of self is an artificial construction. You are, in fact, part of the glorious oneness of the universe. Everything beautiful in the world is within you." -Russell Brand

For the second year, I missed posting last week because of spring break, or as it is frequently referred to -"SPRINGGGGGG BREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!" And, as always, there is much to reflect on after a slight reprieve from my everyday routine. I have new resolve to get fit and be more productive. And guess what? I am believing. In myself! I can see myself as a competent, smart, valuable, hard-working and driven career woman. I will turn 45 years old next month and I have much to offer. My focus is shifting from mother and home-maker to prolific humanitarian. Physical, intellectual, emotional, and financial abundance is on its way. If you knew my children, you would understand exactly where this certainty was rooted. They are magnificent, and I will take just enough credit to be motivated and inspired to mother a larger community. I have had my share of doubt along the way. There is no denying that feeling that comes over us at times, the one that makes us question our choices and the path that we are on. Keep your faith. You are headed right down the exact path that has been meant for you since the dawn of creation. Believe it. If you find it hard to believe, keep working on convincing yourself... It's the Truth.

Older Than Dirt

"Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary." -Cecil Beaton

I complain too often about young people today. I frequently hear other people criticize and bemoan their lack of virtue and common sense. It has been so ever since the Stone Age. I'm sure cave men complained their children had it easy, what with the invention of the wheel and the discovery of flint stone. We don't understand our kids; their clothes, their language, their dreams. None of it makes sense to us, even though we remember being there not so long ago. We remember when our parents hated our music, gave us ridiculous rules, and attempted to impose their will upon us. We didn't listen, but everything turned out fine. If we take the time to remember, we will appreciate where our children are coming from and cheer them on in the direction they are going. Cotton candy colored hair, tattooed, pierced, mismatched socks, nerd flags flying high and proud, they are daring to be different. They connect with the world and with each other on an unprecedented level through modern technology and social media. They are comfortable in their bodies. They are confident, enthusiastic, and silly. We should continue to offer them guidance, but don't be afraid to let them lead us. Following the timeless words of Ron Wild, "Seek the wisdom of the ages, but look at the world through the eyes of a child."

Like Nailing Jello To A Tree

“When you are grateful, fear disappears and abundance appears.” -Tony Robbins

Raising teenagers is terrifying. Even when there appear to be no problems, I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know they are going to try stuff. I know they will make mistakes. No amount of rationalization or centering myself in the moment can completely eradicate the fear. They are the most precious things in my life. Not only do I wish to spare them of any and all sense of pain, fear, and lack, but I also hold myself accountable for their personal happiness and for the decisions they make.  If only I could chain myself to them for the next 5 years, I could make SURE they were safe. But I can't. I can't and even if I could, that would rob them of some of the greatest opportunities of their lives: Life's greatest lessons delivered in bad decisions, ego bruising missteps, and broken hearts. As always, parents must toe a line between discipline, guidance, support, and -letting go. We must come to terms that it is not our plan that is unfolding before us. It is God's plan. Our children have their own journey and their own destination. So we take pride and joy for our small part in it. And we give thanks.

Auld Lang Syne

Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day. -Dalai Lama

As I get older, I am increasingly aware of how people come in and out of my life. How many times did we hear as kids, “friends come and go, but you will always have your family?” That has proven to be true for the most part, but I have found that friends can be every bit a part of your family as blood relatives. And sometimes, family relationships can be so toxic that you must limit contact or end them completely. It is a constant juggling act, deciding on whom we wish to invest our time and energy. It's difficult to keep up friendships from the past, make time for extended family, and cultivate new relationships. So many wonderful friends have drifted away, and I often wonder how. I analyze my part in it, feel guilt, then sadness, and then anger or resignation. It's a process of grieving played out many times over for the people I loved that once were an important part of my life. I appreciate that through social media, we can attempt to rekindle at least a fraction of the tie that was severed. But I find myself avoiding Facebook, (the only account that I have). It is exhausting trying to status or message people. So much pressure to be interesting and witty. I can only hope that I sufficiently express my love and appreciation for my precious friends and family by relatively old-fashioned means. I must remind myself that letting go of the worry and guilt is always helpful and productive. Ultimately the best we can do is put the One relationship at the top of the list. When our relationship with God is thoughtfully and intently nurtured, we can rest assured that we are on the right path, and so are our friends. We will always have a piece of eachother that will shape who we are in the future.

Death and Taxes

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”
― Lao Tzu

Change is scary. We don't like it. It's hard to face forward with anticipation when we are turned around watching the past diminish behind us. Change is also inevitable. As determinedly as we resist, we cannot hold it at bay. The sun will rise and then set, people will come and then go, our bodies will age, and time marches on, ready or not. The only choice we have in the matter is how we perceive it. We can grow gracefully by two means; hope and understanding. Hope has been a common and highly touted theme throughout this blog. It's time to commemorate the gift of understanding. Understanding is a very potent companion to loving and learning, but it doesn't get near the valuation it deserves. The fact is, there are questions in life that have no answer. There are problems with no solutions. Sometimes we have to make do with 'the best we can do', even though it falls short of our ideal. For those times, understanding can bring comfort and peace of mind. Understanding gives us permission to feel bad for a bit, to seek solace or retreat, and best of all, it assures us that 'this too shall pass'.

Let It Be

"And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be "-The Beatles

Last week, I got the dreaded question that, in an instant, sends me spinning off course. Just as I am going surely in the direction of my dreams, feeling certain about the how and the why. While basking in the midst of fellow artisans, a woman I had just met asked, "so, you're a writer?"  -"Yes," I answered brightly, until she followed up with...."so, what do you write?" ....The jig was up. I knew I should immediately confess, "I'm not really a writer, I hope to be one day, and I have many many sincere intentions to write, but I have too little time, too many ideas, and just the right amount of excuses." Instead, I commenced to stammering, and I honestly don't remember what came out. I like to think this is a perpetual problem for artists. When one sets her heart and mind on creative enterprise, there is a period of isolation.  There are no famous beginners. Recognition takes determination and time, be it years, decades, or possibly post-mortem. The Craft must be the purpose, and what comes from within will be an expression of love.  I still don't have a response to the question but, I have faith that one day, there will be an answer. 

Be Still and Know

One year later, I would like to revisit what it means to be a Still Woman. As women, it is deeply embedded in our nature to be people-pleasers. The happiness of the many many people in our lives to whom we are so devoted, through no fault of their own, takes precedence over our own. I confess, I have a very complex relationship with the Bible, and while I take great comfort and joy in the Word and the stories, I can't quite come to terms with its entire content as gospel. But I certainly do regard Jesus the Christ as the consummate teacher. He never put himself above others and was the caregiver and comforter of all. He is my way-shower. (as in, he shows me the way -in case you read 'shower' as in, he 'showers' me with love...but I digress). I want to live like Jesus. I want to feel fine when others put their wants and needs ahead of mine by cutting me off in traffic, or cutting ahead in line. Despite myself, I become infuriated. Not at all Christ-like. I can't seem to find the line between asserting myself and humbling myself. Therein lies the value of stillness. To be still would quiet all the voices in my head except for one. The voice that comes from God within me. When we learn to follow that one voice, we no longer feel the pressure that comes from trying to please many, or the frustration of failing. When we learn how to please the One, we find stillness and peace.  

I Couldn't Have Done It Without You

"Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." Andy Dufresne, "Shawshank Redemption"

Today is the one year anniversary of Still Women! I am filled with wonder and content when I consider where I am compared to one year ago today. I truly, truly am transformed. Today, I am a writer. I have incredible opportunities at hand and I am so ready to work and learn and grow. I have figured out how to push past fear and follow my heart. I still have lots to do, and I'm not sure that I will ever feel fully developed, but I have a clear path ahead and for that, I am unbelievably grateful. I had considered taking a break from this blog in order to devote more time to other pursuits, but I think I will continue. It's just so damn satisfying and I am making too much progress to stop now. I will keep on hoping that there are people out there who will share my journey and will feel my love and support. I will never ever be able to sufficiently thank each and every one of you who has taken a moment to read and maybe even leave a comment. You have lifted me up and filled me with hope. So here's to us, -and another year of glorifying our inner goddess.

I'm Not Kidding

Everyone in my family and many of my friends are hugely amusing. I am forever trying to match their satirical humor and dry wit. On occasion, I come up with a real stinger. I can also manage to hit one beautiful shot off the tee in a round of golf, but that does not put me in the category of good golfer. I'm afraid more often than not, my attempts at banter come off as confusing and/or rude. I have learned to self-edit and remain silent, better to come off as lame than bitchy. I am beginning to wonder if this caustic disposition is doing more harm than good. Words and thoughts have a profound power to shape our lives, and deprecation, even in jest, can easily take over our inner dialog. As much as I long to be a comedienne, I want more to quiet my inner critic. I am very vigilant about the voices I allow into my world. I try to avoid pessimism and aggression in any form and it is time to shut down my own negative repartee no matter the mask it wears. I am going to strive for wisdom and love over wit and laughter, at least until humor finds an outlet in praise and encouragement.

Prayer for my Sister

“Sister. She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. Some days, she's the reason you wish you were an only child.”
― Barbara Alpert

My incredible, amazing, inspiring sister, I love you with all my heart. This is my prayer for you:
Discern a miracle everyday and hold it in your heart.
Dance with the child inside you, rejoice in letting her lead you.
Let the song of angels fill your ears, and further, be borne in your voice.
When you count your blessings, they surpass the creatures in the sea.
Catching sight of your reflection evokes a smile, and a quiet content.
There is a star in the heavens for every soul you stir.
Keep the company of my love in your loneliest moment and share yours in mine.
Find that failure is the hand of God revealing a new path. Follow fearlessly.
Learn the truth of who you are, -a child of God, and what you can achieve, -absolutely anything. Your hope becomes your dream, becomes your reality, becomes your legacy.

The Other Side

I intend never to give up seeking a higher consciousness and a more immediate relationship with my inner goddess. It's been enlightening to take a moment each week for introspection, to punctuate the lessons of the many spiritual guides in my life. Sharing them is gratifying, however, it is not an accurate representation of reality. The reality is I, and most -if not all of us, have daily contests with anxiety, pain, self-doubt, and failure. The reality is a roller coaster of ups and downs, at times overwhelming and seeming hopeless. The reality is being paralyzed by fear, mired in addiction to self-sabotage, and detoured by jealousy and resentment. The reality is being buried under the constant stream of self-condemnation and losing sight of Love and Light. It is not in my nature to dwell on these things, but they are reality. Pain is a catalyst for change. It is what compels us to action though, it's unfortunate that a very common response to pain is avoidance or 'medication' in a toxic form such as food or alcohol. Rock bottom is the pivotal port of call.
I want to thank some of the people that help me see the light when I am oh, so close to rock bottom:  Jesus the Christ, Maya Angelou, Oprah, Rev. Jim Lee, Marianne Williamson, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., Mike Twork, Kali, Raena, and PJ Twork, Trina Schneider, Kate Hoadley, Jenny Allen, Tammy Chouinard, Jill Zundel, Sharon Thomas, and thanks also for unwavering support from my mom, my sisters, the girls in the basement, (Corena, you will always belong in the basement), and countless friends and acquaintances along my 44 year journey. I hope that I have touched as many people as have touched and lifted me.