"Perfect people aren't real, and real people aren't perfect. So you can either love people for their flaws, or hate them because they're real."- Author Unknown
I need to figure out a way to get real. I've spent so much of my life acting. Acting like the person I think everyone will like. Acting like I'm not afraid. I am connecting the dots and finally realizing that it's time to get real. I want to look people in the eye. I want to stop apologizing. I want to let go of the image I've been clinging to so hopelessly, and get real. I want to greet a new friend by her name even though we just met and I might get it wrong. I want to laugh obnoxiously because I am filled with delight, even if I might draw attention to myself. I want to speak from my heart and not choose my words with painstaking deliberation so that I don't offend anyone, or worse, embarrass myself. God, I want to be real. I'm sick of the person I have been. I'm angry with myself. But, I don't even know where to start. I've lost myself in the fear. Somewhere between frantically hoping people will pay attention to me and panicking that people will notice me, I lost myself. I put up a wall of self-defense, even though I know that wall is paralyzing me. For all of my trying, -God knows I have tried, I just haven't gotten it. I mean, REAL-ly gotten it. There's no way to REAL-ly be connected because, the truth is, I am intimidated or resentful of people who are real. I might be going crazy, or I might be going sane. Rare moments of clarity have given me glimpses of how to be real. Maybe, if I can tap into them I can learn how to be real again. If I search my memory for when I last was real, can I gradually get reacquainted with the real me? Maybe if I just start talking, or if I just shut up, or find a self-help book, or Google it, I can learn how to be real? If you know how I can learn, I'd REAL-ly love to know.
p.s. THANK You, God. I finished writing this last night and shut my laptop with a combined sense of frustration and determination. While scrolling through the channel guide, I found a real lead. Oprah interviewing and beginning an ecourse on Brene Brown's Vulnerability and Daring Greatly" THANK You God.
4 comments:
Kristi,
I am a friend of Tammy's. I want you to know that your post resonates with me...beautifully written.
I have been a fan of Brene Brown for the last few years...if you can look for her TED talk on shame and vulnerability. They are huge...and so true.
Blessings to you on your wlak to be Real...
Nancy
Nancy, I did watch Brene on Oprah and I will check out her TED talk. Thank you for your encouragement and support. As I open a new door, I am amazed and inspired to find so many beautiful people are already here! Thanks for being one of them.
IAU! <3 That is without rote & always will be.
I'm so excited for your new venture and future successes. You inspire me!
p.s. I had to look up "rote" Of course, I'm not exactly the academic type. :)
Thank you, Jenny. Thank you.
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